Whatever I do is my responsibility. But am I still doing it full. I am ambitious and passionate to achieve the best at what I do. I break all the rush signals to make the most of both lives, one as myself and other as the part of being a family be it wife, mom or the home host. I love wearing those tights and hopping into my car to make it to the gym where I can show off my moves at the blaring music and sweat like there is no tomorrow and be filled with the adrenaline rush until I realize that I need to dash back so that I'm not late in checking my daughter has had her breakfast, is ready on time to the school, sometime at the cost of overspeeding and breaking all signals on the way. And if I don't, I die of guilt and the entire adrenaline rush that I just experienced 15 minutes ago has a descending effect. Sometimes it's factory visits, sometimes its guests rather most of the time, sometimes it's travel plans, sometimes it's early office plans , sometimes the daughter doesnt want to get up on time, sometimes it just my periods.. period.. is that morning workout such a challenge??? I reach after the class start and leave before it ends ...
Isn't the whole day enough where every night I need to assure the school dress is ready , the homework done, the bag ready, and relaxed wear incase of gymnastic day or a red dress because it's red day alert. When that's not enough for managing, it deciding the breakfast for her, for us, the lunch and making sure that it's all done at night. Or else that one morning workout is never on time and leaving always before time. The clock is already struck 10:30 am,my window time- 9am till 12:10 ( daughter school time) is getting shorter. At 10: 30 I can just manage to wear that unironed kurta and make my way through the office. Here it is 11:00 and I have just managed to open my laptop and write one mail that my hands are already shivering because I'm running late to pick up my daughter. No flow of thought , no focus and nothing productive, at the end so blank infront of my customers and be the victim of all accusations for not being updated !!! Here I reach school almost panting so that the teacher doesn't complain again.
Rushing back home on time so that I can quickly feed her something. Running behind her with that bowl of curd and almost pleading that she would finish it. My legs are aching and waiting to get that chair which is just next to me but not close enough to place myself on it. Then I hear my maids cry because they do not like being corrected and they threaten me saying they would leave. I'm trying hard to balance the entire emotional turmoil inside me. No time for all this because if I don't make my daughter sleep on time , I'm running late for her swimming class. I take her to the room and a usual habit of sleeping on the tummy sometimes puts me in state of immense loo pressure but unfortunately there is no rescue because then she would be cranky again. Finally she sleeps and I remember that salt is over, the fruit basket is empty, no dishwasher bars.... hop into the car and there I go to finish the pending chores. It's just one of the afternoon chores , there are 1000s like these everyday, the plumber, the carpenter, the never ending parcels, the pending bills... and here ivanshi is up again. The mind is working at full speed to feed her before the swimming class, convincing her to change into the costume and here it's 6 pm. I'm again running late so I'm panting while I reach the swimming pool.. I just drop her and manage to reach my fingers to the dialing pad and here I get a call from the coach that she is feeling cold and I need to pick her up.. I rush inside again and change her and bring her back to the car .
Ah I forgot to mention that the fingers when reached the dialing pad was for of the competition I had to enroll my daughter for . If I don't I miss the deadline. There is always a fear of missing out. The constant guilt of shouting on her and not being able to handle her. The constant regret that even though I'm sitting with her and wanting to do my stuff, I'm missing out on the time to teach her. So many things and the mind is always puzzled . Looking at her face and that feeling that she is wanting more from me and those eyes. ..its the feeling only I can experience and live ..
Nevertheless the dinner table awaits and I haven't even kept my bag , I dash into the kitchen to prepare the meal so that everyone gets it on time. I still haven't got the chair to sit though it's right there.. unsettled family matters , financial hindrances, puzzled in so many tasks. I'm full. I don't know about food but I'm full. If I post on Instagram, I get to hear , if that was really important, if I talk with someone , I get to hear that I talk too much, if ever I have visited the gym and worked out and he is not able to go , the breakfast plate goes empty and there are certain expression on the face which makes you feel guilty throughout the day. And to add it up if i have attended a conference on a sunday and his Sunday wasn't the way he wanted, im gone and busted with the dirt on that face . Instant complains on not dressing up daughter well right after the party. The feeling of listening to it feels even more pathetic.. however no efforts to get a single dress by oneself .. worst of times and the simplest of hugs have gone missing..one break that I need , needs days of persuasion and a Neverending argument which still has no logic in my books.Have i asked for too much. Can I deserve peace? Aren't small gestures to be understood and not shout out loud. I sometimes wonder if it's just the responsibility or is there anything else left to be liked in me. In no way I demean myself but it has to be a cordial relationship..
Working ass off the whole day....I don't know what I really deserve .. not somebody to give me anything but just a face of acceptance..
I pray all is well and God still gives me all the strength to be able to face all with grace.
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